My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
