apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
