If that was your dad, he is hot
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
