just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
