finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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