So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
