My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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