I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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