I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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