Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
