i wish my penis had a tongue
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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