I haven't been this sober since birth.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
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I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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