a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
