I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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