dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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