I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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