this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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