note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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