I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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