I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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