someone get that fucking seahorse.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
