he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
