I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
