After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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