can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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