i already hear my dad disowning me
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I think I just sharted jello shots
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