when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I cockslap morals
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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