Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
