you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
