i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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