cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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