I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
