I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
