Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
