Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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