I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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