I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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