totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
