worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
