also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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