this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
