He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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