Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
NoShamevember. You game?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
