Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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