I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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