You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
