the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
