Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
