I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
