Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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