just come out here and I will go home with you...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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