I skipped work to stalk him.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
