I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
