so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
